Venting.

Life's been insane. It makes sense because in a matter of months, I go from planning to spending the rest of my life with someone to walking out the door & going on with my life. Something in you shatters when you go from blissfully happy to realizing that the man you had planned on marrying just cannot bring himself to feed you nothing but lies.

"No, it's just all in your head. Those girls are just my friends." -- Note to self: Trust your intuition because when your boyfriend has pornlike pictures & saved dirty conversations of these "friends"...on TOP of having girlfriends who send him pictures of them blowing him kisses, only a fool would stay as long as I did.

He hacked my email account after I returned his things, and upon finding out that I've been moving on with my life, he then accused me of cheating, or at least "planning on cheating." Never have I ever been so humiliated to have all these "friends" parading about me as he painted me the fool.

I may not be perfect, but at least I know the definition of love. Love is when you get up early so that your boyfriend doesn't have to ride his motorcycle in the rain. Love is bringing him lunch when he doesn't have any at work. Love is cooking at 12 at night after a long night at work to make sure that he doesn't go to bed hungry. Love is doing his laundry, and cleaning up after him. Love is going fishing/camping with him because his friends are too busy to do it even though you are miserably cold in the tent. Love is moving everything closer to his part of town to be with him. Love is sticking around even making love is left only to when it is "convenient" for him. Love is coming back to him after finding out that he lied to you twice and was too afraid to come to your parents' house to man up and apologise.

I may hurt him because I have the strength to pick myself up and move on, but what he did to me, was unforgiveable. Who lies to someone they love & then thinks that the easiest way to fix things is with empty promises, "I'm sorry" roses & an engagement ring? On top of it all, I was mildly surprised because it was then that he decided to spite me by "adding back" all these girls to myspace on top of a few new additions. Here I am, now being painted the villain because I refuse to keel over & let life deal me a swift one. I am the villain because apparently I need my ex's permission as to whom I may date (he had bets going with my old roommate). I am the villain because if I sleep with anyone else, I'm a slut, and tainted... but he who slept with girls whose names slipped his mind, was never once judged by me.

I know what kind of person I am, and I know what I deserve. I deserve to be loved in return. I deserve to have someone WANT to marry me, to raise a family with me, & grow old with me.

Fix Myself.

Today, I awoke to a "goodbye" email from my ex that essentially blamed me for the failure of our relationship. I don't know how it gets that way, but when in relationships, closer to the end, I always feel so alone. Everyone always leaves me... and then people wonder why I always run. I felt my heart beat so hard, and my throat went dry and started to hurt when I read every word & then took it in. Then, just as easily as the walls came down, I put them back up.. and reinforced them. I don't like people to see me this way.

On top of it all, with my emotions running high, I start thinking about other stuff, and in doing so, I end up hurting someone else I cared greatly for. I had the greatest of intentions, but apparently (or at least according to my mother AND sister), I'm trigger happy with decisions. Great rolling start to a day huh? My mamma just excused me from the first part of my morning because she knew I had to pull it together & having me come to work in pieces with tears down my face would deem me practically useless.

Only one person ever had the ability to look me in the eye and not only know that something was wrong, but also what it was. No words ever had to be exchanged to know that all I needed was a hug or just company. As an adult, I finally realize that people like these will not always be around to give me that same comfort, and that I need to pull myself together & do whatever it takes to fix myself. With that, I hide under the privacy of my blankets, pretend I'm asleep to the outside world, and like a child, cry until it all feels better. I hurt... a lot... but although it feels good to feel my human weakness, my anti-pity side makes my walls impenetrable.