Fix Myself.

Today, I awoke to a "goodbye" email from my ex that essentially blamed me for the failure of our relationship. I don't know how it gets that way, but when in relationships, closer to the end, I always feel so alone. Everyone always leaves me... and then people wonder why I always run. I felt my heart beat so hard, and my throat went dry and started to hurt when I read every word & then took it in. Then, just as easily as the walls came down, I put them back up.. and reinforced them. I don't like people to see me this way.

On top of it all, with my emotions running high, I start thinking about other stuff, and in doing so, I end up hurting someone else I cared greatly for. I had the greatest of intentions, but apparently (or at least according to my mother AND sister), I'm trigger happy with decisions. Great rolling start to a day huh? My mamma just excused me from the first part of my morning because she knew I had to pull it together & having me come to work in pieces with tears down my face would deem me practically useless.

Only one person ever had the ability to look me in the eye and not only know that something was wrong, but also what it was. No words ever had to be exchanged to know that all I needed was a hug or just company. As an adult, I finally realize that people like these will not always be around to give me that same comfort, and that I need to pull myself together & do whatever it takes to fix myself. With that, I hide under the privacy of my blankets, pretend I'm asleep to the outside world, and like a child, cry until it all feels better. I hurt... a lot... but although it feels good to feel my human weakness, my anti-pity side makes my walls impenetrable.