Never Looking Back.

It feels so weird. I've been here before. My stepfather gave me a lecture last night about him watching me torture myself for the past 6 months going back and forth. It's true. I think I let my fear of being alone mask my need to have left a long time ago. I don't know why I let him talk to me the way he did. I always promised I would never be in this situation, but I guess some things you have to learn first hand.

All I wanted from him was his love. I never asked for his money. I took care of him hand and foot, cleaned for him, and did his laundry. Even when I used to get back home at 11 at night after a long night at Starbucks, I would still go to the store and cook him a hot meal. I did it not because I had to or he asked me to. I did it out of love... and he never saw it. I always got out of bed at 4-5 in the morning when he wanted to go fishing, but he never once came out with me at night to go dancing. Over time, I found that with most of my hobbies, I either stopped doing it, or went on my own.

I was so sad when he got his promotion, but I stood by him and watched as he traded time with me for his huge television and the bike he always wanted. It's all about money isn't it? I took this all... only to realize 2.5 years in that he kept so many secrets from me, and even as I was crying to his face, he was able to swear on our relationship that there was nothing else... only for me to find out otherwise a few days later. Even though I had broken up with him a week or so ago, yesternight, he still couldn't tell me the truth. Of all the people who have hurt me in my life, he is the first to do it to my face.

Then he got mad and told me everything in the room was his, and I couldn't use it. That I could sleep on the couch downstairs because that was mine. I just mustered the best smile I could, brushed it off, and said, "Don't even worry about it. I'm gone." With that, I packed my bags and came home.

Here I am once again, in the room I grew up in.. just now filled with my Layneebug's stuff. Funny... the thoughts in my head no longer ask me to keep my foot in the door, just in case. Now all I want to do is burn all the bridges. In 3 short years, he managed to instill in me these ugly qualities I hate in a person. But I trust that time does fix everything. Up go the walls, leaving out strangers and only letting in close friends.. at least until I find the old me. The me who wanted to conquer the world. The me who loves without question. The me who has faith that love exists, and that there is someone out there for everyone.

With that, I'm so glad to be home. My mom & lil sis never hesistate to make me laugh. I don't even half mind having to take a cold shower because Jaja decided to use up all the hot water... as always. Time for apartment hunting. Wednesday's the deadline. Time's running short.